Crikey. Its December 23rd, well, 24th technically, and there is a big storm raging outside, and its cold. I am sitting by the fireplace and my sweet Christmas tree that my friend Jamie helped me get. Its cozy.
I don't mind spending holidays alone, but this year feels particularly heavy at the moment. I won't lie, closing the shop has been hard to wrap my head around...the reality is setting in. We are stopping production, doing things for the last time. Not reordering supplies, making do with what we have. The logistics that need planning (hiring movers, having a final open day, do we have a sale?) and the timing of it all is beginning to need to happen. I have a rough general outline, so pretty much all that's left is the doing. Oy. I've been loving these funny memes on Instagram by @digitallybaffled lately that feature a brain talking to its stick figure body and the theme is the planning and doing of things. Its so right on.
I am trying to keep things light, and trying to revel in the fact that I get to do something different. It was just the solstice, and the New Year is coming, and this is always a time, for me, when there is lots of good energy going into planning for what's to come...there is so much to look forward to. But change can be super hard, even if its good and I realize I need to go through a bit of a mourning process. I don't know how to grieve the loss of what I have known for so long, how do you do that? Should I have a ceremony? Throw a party? Maybe! Sitting alone in my house is not really helping...alas I'm still down from the surgery, the weather is shite, and its Christmas....sheesh.
SO...In order not to wallow I've been channeling my grieving towards new things, which seems like a good way to use that energy. I don't want it to become a substitute for mourning though, but maybe that is a way of mourning...there are no rules, or so they say. I must remember to be easy on myself and not judge it. No need to add salt to this wound.
I also need to remember why I made this choice. And also that its not the end of everything...just a shift...making room...it doesn't have to be so serious, does it?
I don't know.
Anyway. Lots of reflection, and processing. Pulling cards, meditating, and yoga. Binging crappy tv while also painting and researching new things, spending money on supplies, and teaching myself new things. Also signed up for those French lessons!
Its gonna be ok. Thanks for reading. This is really helping me process too...getting things down on paper or screen has always helped.